Proven Tips and Tricks to Finding America’s Reigning Hide and Seek Champion
Is the way to Bigfoot’s heart through his stomach? Is it through your best jokes? Or maybe through speaking his language? With Estes Park’s annual Bigfoot Days right around the corner, we think you should be able to answer these questions before you go out trying to become his or her friend (yes, there are Bigfoot ladies). Before we get started with all this insider information let’s get one thing straight - you must be on the lookout for the “human hoaxers” of the world that are out to fool you. So beware.
If you are in fact coming to Bigfoot Days, it is smack dab in the middle of their mating season so children under the age of 16 might need their eyes covered. And that’s just one bit of new-school Bigfoot knowledge that could come in handy on your hunt. Here’s everything you need to know and a couple of things you might not.
How to Prepare
To have the best chance at spotting Bigfoot, like anything, you must come prepared! It is recommended to let a friend or your mother know your plans along with getting a good night’s rest and eating a huge carb-filled dinner (you’re welcome). Here are a few things you might want to bring and know.
- A guide on local wildlife: So many people will hear something rustle in the trees, see some strange track or scat, and think “Wow! That’s Bigfoot!” Pack a guide on local flora and fauna to help you differentiate between coyote crap and the real deal.
- Be ready to go deep into the forest. Bigfoot doesn’t hang near the trailhead. This means packing the 10 Essentials and everything you need for a big day in the mountains. Do you need night vision goggles? It’s worth looking into.
- Be physically fit. Can you bench press your weight? Run a 5k in less than 20 minutes? If not, you’ve got work to do.
- Light on the perfume ladies and gents… Bigfoot has a strong sense of smell and will catch a whiff of your Chanel or Old Spice from a mile away and bolt.
- Everyone knows that the Loch Ness Monster and Bigfoot have to be BFFs. It might be worth making a long-distance phone call to our Scottish friend for some advice.
What to Look and Listen for
That high pitched wail? That’s an elk bugling. That whistle? That’s a marmot. That enormous track in the mud? That’s a moose. Here’s what you need to be on the lookout for:
- The most obvious, footprints. A Bigfoot’s print is exactly what you would think for being right around 8 feet tall--enormous and heavy. And shoeless. Footprints are an easy target for human hoaxers! Take note of how the foot flexes and how the weight is distributed and you’re off to a pretty good start. Flat and featureless? Definitely not the real deal. Print ridges that flow lengthwise along the foot instead of across like ours do? There you go.
- Ever wonder what a mix between Chewbaca and Dory speaking whale would sound like? Potentially sounds like Bigfoot and absolutely sounds like a good reason for a Star Wars + Finding Nemo marathon. For research purposes. They are also said to communicate through tree knocks so get ready to break out your best knocking skills. Consider packing a mallet to save your knuckles. Ditch the morse code guide. Bigfoot doesn’t know morse code.
- Look for hair, huge nests or split trees! Bigfoot’s nests are said to be reminiscent of gorilla nests, woven with sticks and branches from nearby plants. This is where your guidebook gets put to use. Is that hair from a mule deer or Bigfoot’s backside?
- Bigfoot’s walk is pretty distinct. They lean forward and keep their knees more bent than humans. Similar to humans, they swing their arms when they walk but lift their heels higher when their foot comes off the ground. So that blob you see through the trees? Make sure it’s not just another fellow Bigfoot seeker.
- Bigfoot probably doesn’t use the same coconut milk shampoo or white grapefruit conditioner we do. Shocker, I know. Bigfoot’s natural scent is most likely a combination of rotten meat, death and a hint of the musky outdoors – and he doesn’t try to cover it up.
See one? Ok, here’s what to do
- First and foremost, respect his space and remember the golden rule. You are in Bigfoot’s neighborhood and even Bigfoot has boundaries and needs some personal space. From what we gather, Bigfoot is an introvert and probably doesn’t recharge best with large crowds surrounding him.
- Snap that legendary picture, quick! Avoid capturing a blob-squatch.
- Give Bigfoot something else to eat beside you! Bigfoot has a big sweet tooth--for kit kat bars specifically (they don’t mind fruit roll-ups either)--and also enjoys a good berry or piece of meat. If BF comes at you too quickly, toss your snacks in its direction. Note: We should all know not to actually feed wildlife, which includes Bigfoot. It might just be best to lay off the fruit roll-ups and kit kat bars so on the big day Bigfoot can’t smell those guilty pleasures on you.
- Bigfoot LOVES a good joke and has a pretty simple, yet acute, sense of humor. Practice your stand-up comedy in the mirror at home and make sure those one-liners land. It’s helpful to record this and get feedback on social media. If Bigfoot doesn’t understand, he will just get even more angered. For your personal safety, your jokes MUST be funny.
- If they do get aggressive, Bigfoots (Bigfeet? What is the plural?) are immune to pepper spray, so all that self-defense class training might not work well here. Even though Bigfoot is said to run up to speeds of 30 mph, your best bet would be to channel your inner track star and run in zigzags so it’s harder for him to catch you. It’s also wise to practice this prior to your hike. Set up a course in your backyard and try to better your times.
No dice? Don’t be bummed. Maybe that can serve as a glimmer of hope for this planet we live on if this reclusive species can still find an area to remain hidden. It reminds us that there’s always more out there to discover (or to be left undiscovered). Good luck out there!
**Visit Estes Park is not responsible for any misplaced limbs or dignity that might result in a less than friendly interaction with Bigfoot**
